Tuesday, April 15, 2008

This is me

I've been told by people at work that I have a "fiery" personality. That's a euphemism for "bitch" I think.

Apparently co-workers don't like it when you're totally yourself around them unless you're a happy-shiney-smiley-Stepford Wife person. I have learned this the hard way.

You see, when I'm comfortable around people I work with and I really, truly like them, I relax and become myself, 100%. I feel closer with them, tell them more about myself, allow myself to get personal. I feel like I can be honest about my opinions and thoughts and beliefs and they won't judge me because they "know" me. Unfortunately, part of being me is the fiery side. When I feel strongly about something, I express myself. In my head, when I'm reacting, it's just because I'm passionate about something and it's not personal at all.

Another thing about me: I just cannot be fake. I loathe fake people. So I also feel like I should be myself around these people I like. If I were to be fake with them, it would be totally wrong in my mind. When I'm mad... I'm mad. I'm not going to pretend to be happy to the face of someone I like and then bitch about them behind their backs. That just seems wrong. What you see is what you get.

So it actually really upsets me to learn that co-workers just don't want to deal with "real me" unless I have a smile on my face. It's "inappropriate" to get upset and express myself. In my family, when we argue, we yell. We fight. We point fingers. And then we hug immediately after. That's part of being a passionate person, I think. That's what I know.

I'm learning though. It's been a bit tough over the past month or so... but I'm learning. As sad as it may have initially seemed to me, I've learned to be a bit distant with people.

Thank goodness I have a blog as an outlet for my fiery personality. We all need to "rage" every once in a while.

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