For you, Anna

So. I realize it's a little late... but: Happy Birthday Anna!

You're one-year old. Holy crap.

(How eloquent of me, no?)

How do I put in words what this past year has meant to me? How do I let you know how special you are - in mere words?

Well. I'll try, anyway.

Last weekend, your grandma and I went to go see the musical "The Secret Garden" at a theatre in the city. Because it was a children's story, there were lots of moms and dads and their little kids with them. Very cute.

At the end of the row we were sitting in were two little boys. Brothers. Maybe about 6-years old. They looked like they could be twins. It was kind of hard to tell, however, because one of the little boys had a developmental challenge.

It could have been cerebral palsy. I'm not 100% sure. All I know for sure is that he was in a wheelchair. And his parents were very attentive. They watched him closely as he took a sip of his drink. They helped him with his hearing aid when the music started and seemed a bit too loud for him.

At one point, near the end of the play, something sort of exciting happened on stage. And when everything went silent, an excited "whoa!" came calling from beside us. Everyone nearby turned to see the little boy, curled into his mom's lap, watching the play intently. We all let out a happy, delighted laugh. Then went back to watching the rest of the play.

But when it ended, I couldn't help but want to look over at him again. So I did. And I saw the little boy smiling. Smiling broadly. His whole body kind of shaking with what I assumed was excitement.

He was so happy.

And I just started crying and crying.

I was crying because I wasn't sure at first how aware he was of everything around him... but he was obviously aware. And what he saw made him so very happy.

I was crying because his parents brought him there. He cuddled into their laps and watched the play. They rubbed the back of his head with his fuzzy, little-boy hair. And they made him incredibly, incredibly happy that day.

He was so clearly and undeniably loved.

And it made me think of you, Anna. Of how undeniable my love is for you. How happy you make me. How, when I think of everything you've brought into my life, all I can think of is absolute love and joy.

That's why I was crying.

I hope that you're always proud of your parents, Anna. I hope you always feel adored and self-confident. I hope your life is happy. Your childhood is happy. I hope you learn from your dad and I what love is all about.

And, more than anything, I hope that you will one day be lucky enough to feel like that little boy felt. To see the world the way he saw it.

Happy birthday, my little love.

I love you. Today, tomorrow and always.

Here to stay

A few people have asked me if this blog is ending now that I have another blog going on. So I thought I should update and let everyone know that you haven't gotten rid of me yet!

Hez is here to stay. (You lucky folks.)

I've just had a crazy, crazy month. So I'm still trying to get everything back on track and under control. And unfortunately, personal blogging kind of takes a back seat.

Also. I had this idea that once Anna turned one, I would finish my "love-letter" to her and start blogging about anything and everything again (as opposed to being all-Anna, all the time). But I've been avoiding The Last Blog to Anna post.

Maybe it's because I'm in denial that my wee buttertart is already a year old.

Maybe it's because I want to make sure it's the perfect final blog post to my perfect little daughter.

Maybe it's because I don't want to rush. I want to make her proud that I'm her Mom. I want it to be beautiful.

Whatever the reason - I realize that it's time.

So. Without further hesitation - Anna's final blog post. (Coming up next).

Trying not to cry my eyes out right now

So this is it. The last day of my little buttertart's first year. Tomorrow she'll be one.

*Pausing to take the huge, crazy, giant fact in...*

Of course, it just so happens that right now I'm crazy busy with freelance jobs. And last minute party planning. And trying to clean the dirty, dirty house. And more freelance work. And attempting to put a dent in the mounds of laundry.

But hey - all that will get done, right? My baby girl will only turn one once.

I'm sure as hell not going to miss it.

I would never miss out on the amazingness that is this...

Holy crap do I ever love you, Anna. Looking forward to spending the day with you tomorrow. Just you, me and that guy you call Daddy.

Cross-promotion. Jargon. Revenue stream. Synergy.

(That was my little tribute to 30 Rock in the title there. Did you like it? Was it the best corporate presentation you've ever heard?)

The first word is actually there for a reason. Cross-promotion. This would be the point in which I shamelessly self-promote the new blog I'm starting.

Not the Only Mama. Yes, you may go there and read it now if you wish. If you need a little encouragement, read on.

When I became a Mom, and after my husband went back to work, I tried to do things on my own. And - surprise, surprise - I became a bit overwhelmed and got a teensy bit depressed for a bit.

Then I joined a Mom's Group and met some awesome first-time Moms who were just like me. They loved their children so much. But they didn't know exactly what they were doing. They were figuring things out as they went. They had bad days and rough nights. And they were willing to talk about it.

So every time I would meet up with these Moms, I would walk away feeling fantastic and confident and happy that I wasn't the only one going through whatever tough thing I was going through at the time.

That group of Moms became my saving grace. Not only did I get out with Anna regularly, but I met other women who completely *got* what I was thinking and feeling. And it didn't hurt that they loved talking about all-things baby the entire time either.

Which made me think... every Mom should have this experience.

Every Mom should know that they're not the only one who can't get their child to sleep or eat the way the "experts" say they should. They're not the only one who feels guilty because they can't make all of their baby's food or can't use cloth diapers or can't wear the child for at least 12 hours a day to make sure they grow into secure adults.

Every Mom should know that they're not the only mama.

So, that's what I hope to do. I hope to bring together Moms and let them know that at least one other woman has felt like they're failing at parenthood at some point.

In the end - I hope new Moms find out what I discovered. That there are lots of us. We're all trying our best. We all love our babies.

And that is really and truly the most important thing.

My child likes eggplant parmesan

I'm a lucky Mom, no?

I'm sitting here blogging while my almost 1-year old finishes off her lunch of eggplant parmesan. (Homemade and healthy, of course). Anna was a bit of a picky eater while we were on vacation. But now she's back to her old self... chowing down on everything we give her, apparently.

Mama loves you, my good little eater.

In other news, Anna's turning one on Friday. Can I get a HOLY CRAP!!!!!? I can't believe it. It's been a year.

A few things I didn't expect to have happening as my child approaches one year of age:

• Anna's still not sleeping through the night yet. Mind you, it is much better. Last night she woke up twice. Once around midnight (took a little while to get her back to sleep), and again at 4:00. (I nursed her at 4 because I just REALLY wanted to go back to sleep).
• I'm still carrying 15 pounds of baby weight. I'm doing all the right things, so I know it'll happen slowly but surely. But I remember thinking I'd be back to pre-baby weight by around 6 months. Ha!
• Anna has only 2 teeth and very little hair. Not a biggie at all... I just assumed she'd be all hairy like I was. Her two little teeth are very adorable, though. All little and sharp and cute.
• I'm not going back to work full time. The freelance is picking up. Needless to say, I'm pretty damn happy.
• I'm sleep-deprived, but so over-the-top happy as a Mom. I always knew I wanted to be a Mom. I knew I'd love having kids. But man - they just don't tell you how unbelievably awesome it is. When Anna wraps her little arms around my neck to hug me and presses her soft little cheek up against mine... there's really nothing else in the world that could ever matter.

Ever.

Food log, part 2

Anna's lunch today:

• Mashed up sweet potato (the only fresh veggie we still had in our house).
• Yogurt with pears mixed in and a whole grain cracker.
• I figured this would cover off the fruit and veggie category, yogurt covers the calcium and protein category and the cracker is the grain section...

Dinner:

• Whole wheat macaroni with mixed veggies (corn, carrots, peas)
• Turkey sausage
• Yes. You read that last one right... Andrew and I had turkey sausages for dinner and Anna gobbled them right up.

Love that good eating kid of mine!

Food log. (Tee hee... I just said "log").

We're going on vacation soon. Which means we're rapidly running out of food in the house.

Not such a big deal for me. I can live on cereal (dry or with milk) for several days. Anna, on the other hand, is relying on her Mama for a balanced, nutritional diet day in and day out. The nerve of her. Kind of annoying, isn't she?

So anyway. I've decided to log Anna's food diet here so I can keep track visually and be sure that I'm not depriving my little buttertart of the good stuff.

Thursday night. Anna's dinner:

• Mixed grain baby cereal with peaches and pears. (We were having a curry beef dish for dinner which wouldn't have been a good thing for her little two-toothed mouth. Or her bum.)
• Side note: The baby cereal was a last resort after realizing that Anna would have NOTHING to do with the scrambled egg yolks I made for her. (Was trying to get some protein into her. With no luck).
• Oh, and she had one whole grain cracker with hummus on it. This was her appetizer as I got the cereal ready.

Friday morning: Anna's breakfast:

• Cheerio appetizer (of course).
• Leftover baby cereal from dinner last night (wasn't much), whole grain toast and blueberries

Pretty decent breakfast, I think. I would have liked to put something on the toast... a little bit of butter, maybe some cream cheese. But we had run out of all of those products. Sad, really. A house with no butter or cream cheese just isn't a house in my opinion.

I'll update later on with Anna's lunch and dinner. I really hope I can scrape together some good food for her. And I hope feeding her healthily on vacation isn't going to be too much of a challenge. Maybe it'll inspire me to make healthier food choices when we're out at restaurants.

(Or maybe Mama will sneak some 3-cheese spinach dip, french fries and greasy burgers behind Anna's back.)