Friday, April 23, 2010

Peanut butter and blah

Something is happening to me that I keep trying to deny.

...I'm getting a bit down.


The self-proclaimed happiest-when-pregnant woman ever. And the mama who's over-the-moon-in-love-with-Little-Anna.

So what the hell? Why now? Almost 3 months after having her. When the stress of breastfeeding is but a memory. And the worry of having a wee, 5-pound baby in my care is close to gone, thanks to her hefty thighs and chubby cheeks.

Both Andrew and my mom called me today and I couldn't answer due to the giant lump in my throat. I couldn't talk or else I'd start crying. And then they'd want to know why I was crying. And I wouldn't be able to tell them.

Because I don't know.

I'm a pretty happy person, I think. I love my life. I love my family and my friends. I've got a great home and a good job. And now... now I have the most beautiful little girl in the world who hugs me and snuggles up to me and who needs me. It's an amazing feeling.

So what the heck is wrong with me? What on EARTH do I have to be down about?

It's not that I need or want time alone, away from Anna or Andrew. And it's not that I feel too busy or frazzled.

I guess I'm just not used to some aspects of my new life yet. I'm not used to feeling lonely. I mean, Anna's insanely cute and all, but she's not much of a conversationalist. (Then again, I'm not much of a talker. At all. I hate chatting on the phone for more than 5 minutes.)

Maybe I'm not used to spending day in and day out looking like crap. Not used to never quite knowing where that smell of baby barf and dried milk is coming from. Or not used to worrying about Andrew coming home to a wife in sweats with no makeup and messy hair... and coming home to no dinner because I haven't gotten it together enough to prepare food yet.

(Today I had half a package of crackers smeared with peanut butter and a Starbucks iced tea for lunch. And I went out for a walk to pick up that iced tea in pants with cat hair all over them and a t-shirt that has never seen the light of day before, for good reason.

Oh yeah. I've really got it together.)

Anyway. I'm okay. I really am.

I just... get down from time to time. And I'd wager a bet that I'm not the only new mom to feel this way.

So, tonight... I'm off to do what I know best in times of blah-ness. I'm off to go for a jog.

And when I come back, I hope I'm a better mom and wife.


  1. Good blog Hez, very thoughtful and as always, very self-aware. What you are feeling is very common in new Moms, but is definitely a unique and new experience for you. You are doing all the right things as always and will continue to learn new things about yourself. I really enjoyed our jog and I don't see how you could be a better Mom and wife!!

  2. Sweet, sweet Heather. I think you've written the definitive New Mom experience. EVERYONE I know has felt exactly the way you're feeling right now, but few are able to express themselves as eloquently as you are. Mothers everywhere should get this posting in their baby packs.

    Truth is that you've got the hardest job in the world right now. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself a break. And take yourself downtown VERY SOON to have sushi lunch with the Heather loving team of Franny and Barb.

    Sending you much love, my friend.

  3. Not to worry beautiful Heather! This too shall pass! I was there too, and I remember still how I felt. It is almost physical rather than mental! Your going out for a jog with Mumsie was the best medicine you could take! It is hard for someone who is so organized and task oriented not to have control over your time and self. It takes a while for this new life style. But it is worth it, and when you get your priorities to a doable stage, you will be so proud of yourself. Motherhood is not easy! Just make sure to pencil in those date nights with Hubby, because they will keep you sane! It is hard to come to the realization that you have to make such an effort to make yourself feel good about yourself as a woman and an interesting one at that! You are very interesting and intelligent, and more than just a Mommy, even if it doesn't feel that way sometimes. Being a Mommy is an unbelievably wonderful person to be, but it is not the sum of who you are. It's okay - you are going through what we all have been through at one (or more) times in our motherhood experience. You wonder where is that free and vibrant woman I was a few short months ago? Why can't I be both? You can, but its a journey to get there. you will though, and you will still be the wonderful Mom that you are now!

    Love you!

    Aunt S.