...I'm getting a bit down.
The self-proclaimed happiest-when-pregnant woman ever. And the mama who's over-the-moon-in-love-with-Little-Anna.
So what the hell? Why now? Almost 3 months after having her. When the stress of breastfeeding is but a memory. And the worry of having a wee, 5-pound baby in my care is close to gone, thanks to her hefty thighs and chubby cheeks.
Both Andrew and my mom called me today and I couldn't answer due to the giant lump in my throat. I couldn't talk or else I'd start crying. And then they'd want to know why I was crying. And I wouldn't be able to tell them.
Because I don't know.
I'm a pretty happy person, I think. I love my life. I love my family and my friends. I've got a great home and a good job. And now... now I have the most beautiful little girl in the world who hugs me and snuggles up to me and who needs me. It's an amazing feeling.
So what the heck is wrong with me? What on EARTH do I have to be down about?
It's not that I need or want time alone, away from Anna or Andrew. And it's not that I feel too busy or frazzled.
I guess I'm just not used to some aspects of my new life yet. I'm not used to feeling lonely. I mean, Anna's insanely cute and all, but she's not much of a conversationalist. (Then again, I'm not much of a talker. At all. I hate chatting on the phone for more than 5 minutes.)
Maybe I'm not used to spending day in and day out looking like crap. Not used to never quite knowing where that smell of baby barf and dried milk is coming from. Or not used to worrying about Andrew coming home to a wife in sweats with no makeup and messy hair... and coming home to no dinner because I haven't gotten it together enough to prepare food yet.
(Today I had half a package of crackers smeared with peanut butter and a Starbucks iced tea for lunch. And I went out for a walk to pick up that iced tea in pants with cat hair all over them and a t-shirt that has never seen the light of day before, for good reason.
Oh yeah. I've really got it together.)
Anyway. I'm okay. I really am.
I just... get down from time to time. And I'd wager a bet that I'm not the only new mom to feel this way.
So, tonight... I'm off to do what I know best in times of blah-ness. I'm off to go for a jog.
And when I come back, I hope I'm a better mom and wife.