I gotta be me

It's getting to that point where all the days just kind of meld into one and I never really know what day it is (unless it's Tuesday or Wednesday, aka: Stroller Fit and Kindermusik days).

So, I hope you had a lovely weekend! Me? I can't really remember what I did on which day.

However, I do remember Friday.

Lovely, lovely Friday.

Andrew had an interview that morning, so he took the afternoon off work. Anna's Nanny (Andrew's Mom) came by and watched Anna while Andrew and I took full advantage of his hooky day by going to a matinee and then hitting a patio for some nachos and beer.

It was just like old times.

Lovely, lovely old times.

I joke. (Sort of).

I was chatting with a friend of mine over Starbucks lattes Saturday morning about me and my new Mom identity. She was saying how she can't even imagine what it's like to have a baby and how it changes your world, but how she would still like to hold on to some part of herself. And I couldn't agree more.

I think we all know (if you've been a faithful blog reader of mine), that I loved being pregnant. I had never been happier or healthier. And now, having Anna makes me a million times happier. I absolutely love being a Mom. I think it's something I was always meant to do.

But I'm still Hez.

I'm still a social being who loves getting out for a beer. I'm still someone who loves to be on the go, seeing friends, catching movies, dining out, going to the new exhibit at the Science Center with the hubster. And even though I've got little Anna attached to my hip... I still gotta be me.

I'm just not one of those Moms (bless them, though) who can be 100% Mom all the time. Who can forget about the things they used to love to do. Who can stop dining out or seeing friends because their baby has to be in bed by 7pm. Who can put their marriage (even just a teensy bit) on the back burner. Who can cut off communication with the outside world because they're so wrapped up in their little one.

I still devote all my day and a good chunk of my evening to Anna. I still talk to her all day long. I still trot in Kindermusik class to make sure she's happy and engaged. And I love it. Truly, truly love it. I still can't get over how incredibly wonderful it makes me feel when I hold her and she puts her little chubby arms around me and burrows her face into my neck. And I still absolutely and completely love snuggling with her when I rock her to sleep at night.

But I'm not going to lie... beer and nachos on a patio with Andrew on a Friday afternoon was pretty fantastic, too. That's just who I am.

I think those brief little moments make me a better Mom, in fact. Because when I'm away from Anna, I realize how much she's changed my life for the better. And I realize that I don't have to sacrifice much. I can still be me - and be a great Mom to her at the same time.

I also realize that coming home to Anna? Is one of the best feelings in the world.

Booby vs. bottle

Well, the one thing that stays the same with babies is that they're always changing.

Anna is no longer having insane crying fits each day (thank goodness), but now she seems to absolutely refuse to take a bottle.

Last night, I bathed her and got her into her jammies. Then we normally go downstairs and I feed her, then back upstairs to read a book and rock to sleep. After jammies, Andrew took her downstairs to feed her and I stayed upstairs.

Anna was having absolutely none of it.

She screamed and cried and cried and screamed. And then soon after Andrew would stop trying to feed her, she would relax again. So we thought that maybe she wasn't hungry and we waited a little while. Except that she normally eats every 3 hours and it had been 4 and a half.

So we tried again. And again. And again. But it just didn't seem to be happening.

And now, I appear to be tied to Anna's side for the next 8 months. I can say goodbye to the movie night I had coming up. I can watch my hopes of going away for a weekend in late July with some girlfriends disappear. I can forget yoga class. And a wedding in August? Forget it.

Okay, maybe I'm being a bit dramatic. But if this isn't a phase and she completely refuses to eat from the bottle, I think I'm going to feel a bit restricted.

Someone offer me some words of advice or encouragement.

Please?

So.

Okay. So.

New things with me include:

Anna's still freaking out once to twice a day... screaming all high-pitched and inconsolable for a few minutes. It's really upsetting me. (The only thing that's got me relatively calm is knowing that I took her to the doctor last week during the height of her upset fits and he didn't see anything wrong with her. Ears are fine. Throat is fine. etc. etc. Thank goodness). But anyway, once she starts, I think that I'm the only one (right now) who knows how to calm her down. So, no matter who's holding her, I go and get her and try and relax her.

So that's got my neurotic brain wondering if I'm actually doing her no good by making her all dependent on me. Should I let someone else try and calm her down so she can be relaxed by others? Or is that mean because she's screaming (not just crying) and that obviously means she's upset and needs help?

Sigh.

When we go visiting, I try to pass her around a little so that other people can hold her. I do this for a few reasons. 1) So she isn't super shy and clingy and needs to be with only Mama all the time. 2) So I don't look like an over-protective crazy Mama. And 3) to share the loveliness that is Anna around.

But.... when she gets upset, I need to comfort her. I don't want to listen to her scream and cry while other people try (usually unsuccessfully) to calm her down. I want to walk to another area, away from everyone else and talk softly in her ear while holding her and rocking her and letting her know I'm there.

Is this okay? Am I reacting too much? Am I creating a dependent kid? Or am I just being a Mama?

Oh, the questions and self-doubt.

I'm sure it never ends.

Huge sigh

You'll notice a complete lack of blogging lately, I'm sure.

Well.

Something is up with Anna and I don't know what it is or how to fix it. Poor thing had 4 screaming fits today (and has had a few over the past few days as well). This is a LOT for my normally very happy baby.

She won't sleep longer than 40 minutes for naps (when she used to do an hour in the morning and 2-3 hours in the afternoon), but seems exhausted.

She may or may not be teething... but the Camilia I gave her tonight didn't seem to do much.

I've tried putting her to bed earlier, tried looking for her sleepy cues, tried rocking her until she was out cold, tried putting her into her bed drowsy but awake, I've tried bringing her into bed with me in the morning, I've tried Baby Tylenol.

I basically feel like I've tried everything short of never leaving the house and making her stay in the stretchy wrap all day.

Sigh.

So... yeah. Blogging is taking a bit of a back seat for now.

What's going on...

Not much new to report over here. Which is why I haven't written much in a while. Here's a quick little synopsis on what's going on with Hez and Anna lately...

• Going to StrollerFit today. Looks gorgeous out again.
• Anna's got a stuffed up nose. Sounds like there's lots of junk in there. Poor thing.
• We're going to her 4 month Well Baby appointment tomorrow. More shots. Ugh.
• I'm trying to get back into a more regular exercise schedule... I've only been doing something about 2 times a week. That's nowhere near enough to make me feel good. So I went out jogging yesterday and the day before that.
• Oh, and I also purchased a jogging stroller online. Just waiting for it to be delivered.

That's about it. Very exciting, I know.

More news when I get some!

No further words are necessary

A story about my boobs

Today, May the 25th, marks the first and only day that I actually whipped my boob out in public and nursed Anna.

(Holds for applause). (And holds for retching noise from my brother to end).

Ah, thank you. Thank you.

I was at StrollerFit class and Anna got hungry at the end of it when we were all sitting in the park with our babies. So, I attempted to give her the bottle of milk I brought... but I don't think she likes taking bottles from her Mama, because she was having none of it.

It was only making her angrier and angrier. And the poor thing was crying. Since I can't stand to hear her cry (it breaks my heart when she gets the tears going, too), I thought "Hey - these other Mamas have certainly seen nipples before. And my poor Anna is hungry!"

So out came the boob, (sans hooter hider), and Anna was instantly happy again.

And I got over my issue of breastfeeding in public.

Yay for me.

And my boobs.

And for making Anna happy.

The end.

Don't ever make me take that mean old bottle again, Mama. I'm all about your boobs. Just like Daddy.